The hillbilly ham house hootenanny concludes today. Catch up on Part One: Why Build a Hillbilly Hamhouse and Part Two: How to Construct a Hillbilly Hamhouse.

So there she was, in all her glory. I ran her for a couple weekends to churn out some smoked meat to give away for Christmas. I poked me a thermometer thru the tinfoil a few times to check’er, and she was about 100 dee-grees, and that book on smokin’ meat—charcoalabalooza or somesuch name, it had—ennyway, I had Rachel read parts of it to me and it said 100 de-grees is about right.

I hadda go buy me some fish to smoke—they’s not bitin’ down at the crick, and them’s all got like two heads and talk funny and what-not ennyway, I ‘spect that comes from livin’ in the run-off of the coal-mine down the way, that’s a whole different story-- but in true Mr. Tayse Christmas fashion, I foun’ me some pig roastin’ meat in the freezer, and made me up some o’ that good ol’ Canadian backbacon.

And, durned if that hillbilly hamhouse didn’t turn out some of the best durned backbacon and smoked salmon ever I laid a tooth to, even usin’ that ol’ oak that fell down two years ago for the smokin’ firewood instead o’ some fancy aldermanwood or whatever. Kinda tasted like some o’ that fancy wine they get outta Californi-a, that chardocuternnay or whatever, that kind all them pussies what drink white wine call “oaky”…

That son-in-law o’ mine, he brought out a sign fer the hillbilly hamhouse, so’s them’s seein’ it fer the first time’d know what she was, but me, I figger if you dunno by lookin’ what she is, you’re dumber than I is. But I’m right proud o’ that ol’ hamhouse, it dresses up the neighborhood, besides makin’ good eats.

I’m thinkin’ ‘bout mebbe expandin’ on it. I been wantin’ to smoke a whole hog, now. I gots me this ol’ chevy up on blocks out back, an’ I figger if set fire to that rustbucket, you know, to get rid o’ the plastic and stuff inside, then I could pipe the ol’ barbecue smoke down the hill into that chevy. I reckon could sit me a whole hog up in the driver’s seat to smoke, now there’d be a sight to please any hilljack—it’d be lak that ol’ hog’s drivin’ along in a cloud o’ smoke, mebbe I’d put a pregnant Winston in ‘is mouth just for show—and when he’s done, we’d have us some good eats too…